Hi, I'm Danielle and I am the owner and founder of AlphaFemme Human Healing and Optimization.
I am a doctor of physical therapy turned integrative coach and practitioner.
By posting this memoir, I hope to help you develop a transparent perspective of my evolution as a clinician and the personal pivot I've made towards my value set in order to serve through AlphaFemme.
I’ve dedicated the past 2 years of my life into a deep self study of somatic psychology, depth psychology, and emotional intelligence. I have found the current work that I do with my clients and patients cannot possibly be restricted to ONLY the physical body.
Healing involves the body AND how the body is relating to and perceiving the environment around it. After losing my part time PT gig due to Covid-19, I knew it was time to go ALL IN on AlphaFemme and bringing this realization to life. This is my opportunity to do what I've always dreamed of. It is time to release the chains of "shoulds" from my life. Without context, it is hard to understand what I'm talking about here, so below you will find a memoir about the last 4 years of my life. It reflects my transparent and vulnerable story and experience that has led me to this point.
These years represented the sacrificing of my Self in attempt to validate my worth.
Only later would I discover that this self sacrificial path would eventually lead me towards an expanded conscious awareness.
I write this memoir with immense gratitude for the past four years of my life.
These years were defining years in my life. I participated in my archetypal "hero’s journey" during this time. Now, a significant portion of that self-betrayal has been transmuted, in a process that was just as painful as the suffering itself. But now, these experiences have allowed me to see glimpses of my true essence, my Self, or as Carl Jung states, “the Voice of God.”
This memoir is about my journey of transitioning from a life lived "from the outside in" to a life lived "from the inside out." We all do the best we can with our current levels of consciousness, so I write this memoir with so much grace for the previous versions of myself and all those involved. I’m writing this personal memoir in a timeline sequence of significant time periods in my life, so I will begin in 2016.
Year 2016:
It’s 2016, my six-year long term intimate relationship was cracking at the seams.
I was unconsciously playing the role of caretaker in this relationship.I was also clinging tightly to every thread of “should” that the relationship provided me. This relationship looked perfect to the external world, but inside, my Self felt very trapped. I was trapped underneath the heavy weight of expectations I felt from my family, society, and the collective.
What do they ask from a young woman in a long term relationship? They ask for marriage, children, security,(or at least I thought) but they are certainly not asking for her truth.
In attempts to create security around the damaged foundations of my partnership, I decided to look outside myself for comfort and security. I decided to apply and go to physical therapy school. At the time, I believed that if I had a decent and stable job, it would certainly make all parties happy. About half way through 2016, after moving across the country and reestablishing myself as a PT student, I broke up with my partner. Reflecting back, I knew it wasn’t right, even at my level of unconsciousness, I was moving towards truth, just slowly and apprehensively.
Year 2017:
It’s 2017, I was now a year into PT school. I was navigating the new territories of being single. I forced myself to be social with my classmates (which being an introverted spirit was hard for me, but I made friends). I was learning interesting things in PT school and things seemed to be going okay. I now realize that ‘okay’ is not enough for me anymore. I knew intrinsically something about my path in physical therapy didn’t feel right. It felt like I was crawling into yet another cage that I built for myself based on societal “shoulds.” This was the year in PT school where I implicitly learned what and who I “should” be, to be a worthy clinician.
I wasn’t buying it. I felt like it left so many people void of true empathetic care from medical professionals. Although these feelings towards the medical model were strong, I continued forth on my physical therapy journey. Discernment wasn’t a developed skill for me at that time and I believed that quitting was a sign of weakness, so I persisted.
Year 2018:
I met my “best friend” in 2018. Given our shared interests in fitness and wellness, we developed a company together. Together, it felt like he and I could truly tackle the world with our ideas and our passion. Unfortunately, too much passion and not enough reality can lead to blurred lines and power dynamics that led to a very long and drawn out toxic relationship. Again, on the outside, he and I were building what seemed to be a “successful” business, and yet again, I was dying on the inside. I was choosing to suppress my ultimate truths of compassionate, empathetic change, to be in a submissive “side kick” in an egocentric health and wellness business.
The relationship dynamic was blurred even further as had attached myself to the identity of who I had become over the year. I was now the face of our company. I had so many people following my lead externally. The behind the scenes looked much different though. I was told by my partner, “I would never be anything without this business.” These are the words that shattered my already cracked attempts to stand in truth. The words rang through my spirit like the devil disguised as truth. At the time, I didn’t realize how this dynamic was unfolding, but reflecting back, this business and this relationship was a conditional dynamic, rooted in manipulation, disguised as a passion for service. Only later would I realize that fear and righteous anger are not the same as truth.
After many attempts to mask my eyes from the pain of what was happening in reality, a massive betrayal forced my eyes open to the truth. It was like the solidarity of my psyche was ripped out from under me. I felt like Alice when she falls to the depths of Wonderland. No solid ground to stand on and unsure what to believe, or who to trust, I certainly didn't trust myself. The truth was grasping for my eyelids and forcing them open, despite all of my efforts to keep them shut. It was the first time I confronted true malevolence and saw how cruel that people could be.
Reflecting back, I realize I had a responsibility within that relationship dynamic to choose what was best for me, but the pain of seeing someone and something you absolutely loved being ripped away was like pulling a band aid off as slowly as you possibly could. I saw brutal consequences of conditional love.
By the December 2018, my spirit was absolutely drained. It was the month that my initiation into the underworld took place. I said to myself “welcome to the hell that you’ve created for yourself.” December 2018, the day after Christmas, I moved to Charlotte, NC, alone.
I finally decided to start taking responsibility for my life and it was time to start working through my suffering. I made the decision that 2019 would be my year dedicated to healing and reclamation of Self.
Year 2019:
As mentioned above, I moved to Charlotte, NC and I decided to finish my clinical rotations of PT school in Charlotte, away from what was painful, yet familiar to me. Although I now had space from my business partner, I continued to participate in the business, but I was planning my escape. I was finally asking myself the hard, uncomfortable questions. In terms of physical therapy school, my clinic rotations gave me clarity and discernment that physical therapy was not my path. I said to myself, “You only have 4 months, just finish,” “3 months,” “2 months,” “1 month.” Then, I was finally finished with my doctoral degree. When I walked across the graduation stage with little fulfillment or feelings of success, it was clear to me that this wouldn’t be my path moving forward. At that point, my main focus was leaving from the prison that my business had become. I asked myself, “Would people still accept me if I left this business?” Unsure of the answer, I courageously started to use my own voice more. More of authentic Danielle rang through my messaging and my work. Unfortunately, when we begin to stand in our truth, others can project their fear and threat of this onto others. This was exactly what happened between my business partner and I. It was now clear to me where I stood in our business. The undertone of the business relationship was and always would be, “You can be a part of this, IF you put a smile on, fake your passion, and contribute,” or, “You can grow, as long as you don’t outgrow me,” “You can speak as long as your voice doesn’t drown mine out,” “You can serve in ‘Danielle’s way,’ but it must be filtered through me first.”
It was time to leave. After having my eyes open to so much internal suffering, I KNEW it was time to leave. One day in early May of 2019, my business partner uttered a few vulgar words directed at me in contempt. They were threatening and cut through me. I was so shocked I couldn’t breathe. In disbelief, I could not believe how much I had sacrificed my own worth to be spoken to like this. It was finally the time for reclamation. So, with as much grace and compassion I could muster, I left the business that day. I had a doctoral degree and I had built a “successful” business from the ground up, only to be feeling as if I was starting from ground zero. This was my life-death-life cycle starting to manifest. Little did I know, 2019 would turn out to be my year of healing and reclamation of Self.
From there, I invested well over $8,000 in coaches and mentors to help guide me through my healing and my return to Self. 2019 was the year of immense fear, while simultaneously being a year of immense courage. I listed three words that would serve as the North Star of my healing journey: “Grace, Radiant, Fierce.” These words encapsulated how I wanted to feel and I let them pull me through the fear, the shame, the disgust, the anger, and the embarrassment that healing often brought up throughout the year.
Fast forward to late 2019. It seemed like all the mental/emotional work I had put in was helping. I had momentum. I started a business of my own, AlphaFemme Human Healing and Optimization. I manifested a relationship that felt like my first taste of unconditional love from both sides of the fence. Despite all of the pain and negative emotions that come along with stepping into truth, living a life that is reflective of your value set feels like freedom. The pivot towards my values transformed my life in ways that I am not even able to express through rational thoughts or words. It’s more of a feeling, a feeling of embodiment.
Year 2020
My relationship was evolving well and business wise, I was happy “ish” with the direction of AlphaFemme. I launched a product called Embodied. Embodied summarized what I learned from my healing journey to help other individuals rise from their suffering. It gave individuals permission to start questioning their beliefs, thoughts, and feelings. It was healing in a way that wasn’t a “fix you” methodology. It was the empowered form of healing I’ve always dreamed of creating for individuals. Although externally my message was going well, I was realizing the more I stepped towards being a mirror, the less my message sold. Less people were interested in healing and more people are interested in answers, the shiny, quick, marketable answers. “If you do “x,” you will be happy.” The “just get me out of this hell” kind of answers.
I do not have the answers for people. All I have is education, experience, empathy, and grace. I do not want to fix people. I want people to know that they can be empowered enough to fix themselves.
My most recent step into truth was deleting my old content strategy from marketing platform. I was finally shedding the previous version of me that people saw in my previous business, “the one who gives the answers.” This was and currently has been my universal test. I ask for peace, so I must eliminate the things that steal my peace and sit in the uncomfortable feelings/ and thoughts that come up on the quest for truth.
The most freeing realization throughout all of my experiences was realizing that I can take embodied ownership over my life. Whenever there is suffering in my life, I am the creator of it. I am the one who attaches a negative belief to an emotion that arises, or I am the one who seeks problems within the problems. Luckily, I am also the one who has the answer to my problems. My deep truth that has been dying to speak for years is now blossoming inside of me and it’s certainly not getting validated like my ego’s messages were, but, for the first time I feel whole. I feel like I am no longer a victim to the collective, to a following, to an abusive friend, to my family, or to my unconscious. It is sitting in my current reality that is bringing me closer to joy. It is paradoxical though, four years of suffering for a glimpse of joy and wholeness? I share this story because it’s allowed me to follow my authentic desire to assist others in their healing. Maybe others can realize this with more ease than I did.
As mentioned above, I have arrived at a place in my own journey where I understand that my purpose is to serve as a mirror to individuals who are seeking physical, mental, and emotional healing.
With all of that said, it would be silly for me to question my validity as a integrative healing coach, for the lived experience of mental and emotional pain and suffering, transformation, and individuation is far beyond that which is only learned by a degree. My path isn't one that is on the straight and narrow. It's messy and complicated. But within the messy and complicated that life brings, my commitment to this business and those whom I serve is to continually expand with transparency. To let my ego strengthen and die over and over again so that I can learn the lessons and receive the invitations from that which is greater than myself so that my work in the world is what you deserve.
Here's to healing, starting with the individual.
All the love,
Dee
